(gasp)

Today's weigh-in: 272.6 (down a lot, maybe 33 pounds?)

Disclaimer: I'm not a medical professional or any kind of weight-loss, diet, or exercise expert. I'm simply succeeding at losing weight.

I haven't posted here in a long time. I've been hyper-focused on some things, which is good and bad, but something I realized is that blogging is good for me. There's healing in the sharing or some such bullshit, and maybe I can help some poor fatso inch closer to feeling human again.

So, yeah, the weight loss has been proceeding, and while the slope of the line hasn't been totally consistent, the average is there, as evidenced by my above number.

I've been surprised at times, honestly, that I've been able to stick with this. On the rare occasion that I cast a glance at the past, I see a bloody trail of half-assed starts to various initiatives, with only the occasional monument to a completed effort.

This isn't to say that I've been perfect, or even totally satisfied with my progress. I've had at least three occasions in which I've knowingly sabotaged myself, as well as a handful of times in which I accidentally made a bad decision, but in each case, I was able to immediately bounce back, get back on track, and not use that idiotic 'I'll get back to it on Monday' bullshit thought process.

Also, every time I haven't had satisfactory results, I've been able to pull up my numbers on MyFitnessPal and point out where I went wrong. I then adjust, and move forward.

I'm at the point now in which many people are actually noticing my weight loss, and that's a little awkward for me, especially since I can't see a difference. However, it is positive reinforcement, and I'm glad for that.

A lot of people have asked what I've been doing to become less disgustingly obese, so I'll reiterate it here, in easy-to-read bulletpoint form:

• MOST IMPORTANT: I track all of the food I take in
• 2nd MOST IMPORTANT: I hit 10,000 steps per day
• I eat less overall
• I have cranked my protein consumption way up
• I have reduced my carbs and sugar
• I don't eat like shit
• I constantly adjust my diet and exercise to more precisely fit my weight-loss goal

It's real simple. Protein builds muscle mass. Building muscle raises your metabolism. An increased metabolism burns fat faster.

Your body always burns carbs and sugars first. So, if you have a bagel for breakfast, then a sandwich for lunch, then pizza for dinner, and work out for a couple hours, congrats, moron, you're still fat.

However, if you have a protein shake for breakfast, then turkey and cheese (no bread, real cheese) for lunch, then a protein bar for a snack, then a bunch of chicken for breakfast, and then run/walk about three miles in less than an hour, congrats, you're now less disgustingly obese.

Some people like to go the zero carb route, and I understand that thought process, but I don't believe in extremes. I've reduced my carbs and sugars without reaching zero, and it's been working.

Avoiding extremes is, I believe, I a key part of refining one's body. I think a lot of people fail because they throw themselves into an extreme in terms of diet or exercise (or both), burn out in a short time, and then wallow on their couch with a whole pizza or a tub of ice cream, hating themselves for fully transforming into the failure they've always suspected they are. Don't be that person. Use your brain. You don't need to run a six-minute mile every day while surviving off celery sticks. Just get off your ass and walk while rethinking your diet. Start there, then refine as you go.

I'm still refining what I'm doing. My approach isn't static, it's dynamic. I pay very, very close attention to how my body responds to different food strategies and different workouts, and tweak as I go.

Last thing - remember that what you weigh is, ultimately, irrelevant. Weight is simply an easy guideline to follow for your overall health. Your body fat, blood pressure, body mass index, and actual fatness are more important. Your weight is simply a rough indicator, and should be treated as such.

So, if you're unhappy with your weight, quit fucking around, and do something about it. You're the only one who can make you less disgustingly obese.

Think about how much better the life you'll have as a muscular, sculpted bad-ass will be. Always remember that. Think about how much power you'll wield. It's enough to make me salivate in anticipation.

I'll be back next week.

-Blaine

Keep Ya Head Up: Divorce Yourself From the Fatties

Today's weigh-in: 297.8 (2.6 pounds down from last week)

The Cardinals
It's amazing to watch very smart sports writers opine that we're going to see how much the Cardinals regret not getting Oswalt signed. I wasn't aware that our starting rotation was in need of another starter. Two bad starts for Lance Lynn does not a reasonable sample size make. Chill the fuck out, guys. Where we were struggling was hitting and bullpen, and both of those performed tremendously over the weekend, with Jon Jay and Matt Carpenter back, even after Lance Lynn imploded yesterday

The Heat
I remember watching sports pundits the nation over at mid-season cry out for everything from breaking up the Big Three to firing Scott Spoelstra. Yeah. I guess that kind of knee-jerk idiocy gets clicks?

Becoming Less Fat
It seems like each week with the weight loss crusade, something new is imparted to me, and I'm able to refine this process better and better.

The big thing this week was dealing with a setback. From Tuesday to Thursday, I put a pound back on, and I wanted to put someone's head in a fucking vice. In the course of channeling my pain and anger, and drawing on the power of the Dark Side, a little voice cried out and insisted that instead of being all sulky and having a typical 'fattie' reaction (self-pity, 'this is never going to work,' giving up, all that shit), that I stop and analyze where I went wrong.

Wednesdays, I typically work from home, which means I'm moving around a lot less. I also typically eat out for lunch, and it's usually Subway. I ran out of time after work and didn't run. I experimented with making a homemade pizza with my son, and while I was under my caloric allotment for the day, I cut it very close.

None of those on their own would've done me in, but that perfect storm of bullshit probably combined into a Voltron of Fat and slapped a pound back on me.

But who knows? All I can do is learn from it and move on. I came back the next day and was down .8 pounds.

All of that led me to my next point, which is setting oneself up for success. I ate out a lot last week, which is anathema to consistent weight loss. I'm fat because I love food, and even more so because I love cramming it in my mouth. Going out to eat is an exercise in restraint, but I armed myself, every time, with my Windows Phone and used the MyFitnessPal application to research everything on the menu that I was considering, and managed to (mostly) behave myself over the weekend. It's tough, though, and I really wish we'd not eaten out as much as we did. If you're a junkie for fatty foods, putting yourself at fucking Cracker Barrel is not a good idea. Sure, I didn't succumb to temptation, despite the fact that everyone was pressuring me to eat like shit, but nor did it give me a real satisfying meal. Restaurants aren't there to help you lose weight, they're there to make as much money as possible, no matter what it does to your health.

The best way to not eat like shit and still not hate what you're eating is to make it your damn self. Odds are that you're fat because you're lazy, and if you want to lose the weight and keep it off, you gotta change things up in your life, and that means getting used to actually putting effort into some things.

But I digress ...

... my point here is that I bounced back. I didn't overreact and punish myself, nor did I throw in the towel, nor did I say, 'Well, I'll just go back on my diet on Monday.' All that kinda shit is for fatties, and I'm not one of them anymore. I got right back on the horse, and may have pushed it a little on the treadmill that night, but I was mad as hell.

The best part is that I'm now equipped with more experience and knowledge that's going to help me this week. I'm going to apply it, and I'm looking forward to adding more to my workouts. One of my long-term goals is to be at a fitness level equivalent to that of an Army Ranger. I've got family that's been in the Ranger program, and I've always looked up to them, so it seems like a fun long-term challenge. I figured this week that I might bench-mark where I am now relative to the fitness requirements, and once a week, re-rest and chart my progress until I'm there. I don't expect that I'll be anywhere near the requirements this week, but a year from now? Who knows? It seems like something that's worthwhile. And it'll come in handy when the revolution comes.

One last thing. Going to Cracker Barrel was good for one thing. It was interesting to watch the grossly obese folks, and all that little things they did to keep reinforcing their obesity. If you're trying to drop weight, go to a restaurant, pick a group of fat people and watch them all night. Try to pick out everything they're doing to reinforce their fatness, and you may identify some things that you still do that are holding you back.

One really last thing. I'm below 300, which was my first goal. Next up is getting below 290. I haven't been 280-something in YEARS, and I'm really pumped to get there. Being 280-something puts me within 100 pounds of my long-term goal weight, which, yeah, probably sounds insane to you, but for me it's a big deal (literally!)

So, how goes your weight loss? Anything to add here?

Anyway, thanks for reading!

-Blaine
Buy my book!

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Less Fat Than Last Week

Weighed in today at 300.4 pounds, which means I dropped 5.6 in the last week.

Yeah, that's a crazy amount of weight to drop in the first week, but I've got two things for you. 1) if you're fat, and you suddenly switch to a good diet and exercise, you drop a shitload of weight real fast for the first 20 or so pounds, then you have to start grinding it out like all the normies. 2) if you're fat and you don't drop that first weight real fast, you're still fat and you're doing it wrong.

This protein-heavy and low-carb diet is working wonders. I'm never starving, and I can eat a reasonable amount of meat. That works for me. I also cut out a lot of soda. Even diet soda will bring you down, given that all that sodium that's packed in adds up.

What's been surprising is that a lot of skinny folks have been like, 'Yes, great job, keep it going!' while most of the fat folks have either immediately started to explain to me why my approach wouldn't work for them or some other nonsense. I'm content with your failure if you're content with it.

Look, people, here's the secret. I'm not doing a crash diet, I'm eating 4-5 times a day, I'm not spending hours in the gym, I've simply adjusted my existing life to a healthier one. I'm eating lots of protein, avoiding carbs, getting on the treadmill M-F for a half hour or so, and not sabotaging myself by making exceptions.

The last part of it, too, is that I've accepted that I'm the only one who's going to lose this weight. I can't count on anyone but me to make this happen. People everywhere, everyday unintentionally stand in the way of my weight loss, and simply circumventing them has been a huge step for me. I am accountable for this, and only me.

Oh, and planning. That was a big lesson last week. I went to Busch Stadium with my son and his baseball team that I'm coaching to walk on the field before the game. I snagged some stadium nachos while I was there, then, when I went to enter them into my food diary, and I saw that they were between 700-1100 calories, I was shocked. I should've planned.

Therefore, when my wife and I made our monthly sojourn to her hometown in northern Illinois, I planned everything. Before I ate anything, I looked it up online, compared it with my food diary to see if it was in my budget for calories, carbs, sugar, etc, and only put it in my mouth if I could 'afford' it. If we were hitting a fast food joint, I pulled into the parking lot, pulled out my Windows Phone or iPad, and looked at their menu, and carefully planned each piece. THIS HELPS TREMENDOUSLY.

It seems like a lot of folks psych themselves out of weight loss by building into this HUGE, all-encompassing thing, but it's really not that big a deal. Just chill the fuck out, tweak your life a bit, and make it happen.

The most annoying part is that people are constantly shoving food at each other. Not only that, but a lot of folks just won't let up when I say 'no.' There were a few times this weekend in which I damn near went 'Hulk smash' on some folks because they wouldn't stop trying to ram pie down my gullet.

On top of that, I insist that I eat at the same times every day. That helps tremendously with regulating my food intake, and makes life easy to manage. What that means, then, is that I don't give a fuck what time your party is, or what time you're serving food. I'm eating 'x food' at 'x time,' and I don't care what that means for you. Period. Again, I'm the only one who's going to lose this weight, and I'm not going to let anything stand in my way. Don't take it personally, and either be supportive or shut the hell up.

I've gotta be selfish and inflexible in this process, but you'll be glad I took that approach when you can't stop staring at me and wonder what it would be like to make sex at me.

Last thing - the applications I've been using have been tremendously helpful. I've been using a combination of three, and this may get pared down as things move along.

MyFitnessPal - I use the Windows Phone app + the iPad app + the web application, and this has been tremendous. Thank you very much, Chris, for the recommendation on this. This is where I plug in all my food and keep track of my daily intake. I can use this to make sure my carbs and sugar are low, while my proteins are through the roof, and that my calories hit their target. It has a huge, ever-growing food database, to which you can add whenever you want, plus the phone application lets you scan in barcodes, which rocks. Friend me on here and you can see what a bad-ass, manageable diet looks like (though I did have to improvise while traveling this past weekend, but I was still well within my plan.)

RunKeeper - I plug all my runs in here, and they auto-feed into Fitocracy, which I'll get to in a moment. I use this to calculate the caloric burn and auto-spam to Facebook and Twitter that I'm better and more active than the other fatties. There is not yet a Windows Phone application, which is disappointing. I manually feed the stats from my treadmill into this for now, or if I'm forced to run outside, I'll use RunningMate on the Windows Phone for its GPS tracking.

Fitocracy - This is where everything all kinda ties together. It makes fitness into a game, and I love it. It automatically picks up my RunKeeper stats, I feed my daily weigh-ins into it, and it's very cool. The only problem is they still don't have a category for sex.

I also use 'Virgin Health Miles' at work, and that's been very, very helpful. It's what I use to weigh in and track my steps every day.

Please 'friend' me on any of these sites if you want. There's no reason that you can't enjoy watching me succeed.

-Blaine
Buy my book!

You Don't Have to Be Fat to Be Sexy

This is sports-related ... more or less ...

Like a lot of extremely sexy men, I'm fairly overweight, and am tired of having to carry all this extra weight just to give the ladies more at which to look. For too long have middle-age men maintained a bulbous shape just so that women find us attractive.

It's extremely unhealthy, too. What a lot of guys don't realize is that being overweight for a sustained period can actually cause erectile dysfunction later in life, which we all know is even worse than a heart attack.

While it's true that being fat is an easy way to telegraph just how financially fit you are, it's just not worth it. Women need to learn to accept us for who we are, and shouldn't demand that we demonstrate our wealth by consuming a bag of Doritos for every meal. For too long have men suffered this lack of equality, and I, for one, am taking a stand.

Today

I'm at 306 pounds, and have two goals.

First, I want to get under 300 pounds. That's the short-term goal. I'm not sure how I'm breaking up my other short-term goals after that, and I'm not sweating it. Once I get under 300, then we'll figure it out from there.

Second, I want to get to 200 pounds and just see how things look at that point. That's the long-term goal. I may want to go down another 20 or so, but we'll see.

Diet

Doc put me on a high-protein diet that looks something like this:

Breakfast one serving of protein shake (Muscle Milk)

10AM protein bar

Lunch protein-rich lunch

afternoon protein bar

Dinner whatever (reasonable portion)

evening snack (if needed) protein shake

I've modified it a bit as I've seen necessary, and so far, things are shaking out as follows:

Breakfast Muscle Milk Light

Lunch chicken breast + either BBQ sauce or teriyaki sauce + protein bar

3PM Pure Protein bar

Dinner one serving of whatever

8PM Muscle Milk

That seems to be working so far.

Where it's going to be tough, and where my self-control has historically eroded is weekend nights. I haven't consumed alcohol in a year and half, haven't smoked for two months, so food is kinda what I got left in the 'abuse for pleasure' department, and it's gotta go. Sorry, ladies.

That being said, I was tinkering with the idea of just hopping on the treadmill and running myself dead every time I started having a craving like that, but I don't want to turn exercise into a punishment. We'll see.

Exercise

What I've been doing so far is running through an episode of Around the Horn each day. I've been refining it and refining it, and what I've found is working well is the following.

Around the Horn is a sports talk show that's broken into topics. They talk about each topic for a few minutes, then move onto the next, and they do this for a half-hour. I'll do the lead-up to the show at 2.5MPH to get warmed up, then kick it up to 4MPH at the beginning of each topic, then hold that for as long as I feel like, at which point I drop to 3MPH. Then, when the next topic starts, I kick it back up to 4MPH. At each ad, I sprint at 6MPH until the show comes back, at which point I resume the intervals. Then, at the final 'Showdown' segment, I ramp down to 2.5MPH, and then I'll walking at least through the end of the show. Lately, I've kept going for a bit afterward.

Also ...

The trophy wife and I are looking into picking up tennis again. I played the hell out of tennis as a youth and always really enjoyed it. It also seems like an ideal 'couples' exercise. I think we'll try it out this weekend and see how we like it.

I was having a great ride on my bike the other day, finally getting comfortable doing an uphill, when the goddam fucking cocksucking bitch whore fucking chain came off. I have no idea how to fix it, but it can't be that hard, but I was still mad as hell about it. I love the idea of mountain biking and want to get going with it as soon as possible.

I haven't had a real cigarette in about two months and I can breathe again. These e-cigarettes are the best thing ever for people that just can't quit. Being able to breathe again has been the biggest change in me being able to exercise again.

What about you? Have you had to give up fatness? Were you successful? Were you not? Either way, share your story!

Thanks!

-Blaine

Buy my book!

Major Love for the Minor Leagues

So, I was tempted to contribute to the Titanic-like panic that has taken hold of the worst of the Cardinals' fans, but I decided to stand firmly with my non-idiot brethren (the majority of Cardinal nation), and understand that baseball is a game of numbers, and mostly averages, so this being a 162-game season means that we're probably just fine.

It has been interesting to see a very solid pitching staff just suddenly start shitting the bed, though.

And please stop talking about trading for Papi. We don't need another bat, especially one that so blatantly sucks the life out of a clubhouse.

This is going to be a brief one today, folks, as it's Memorial Day and I plan to hit a local hibachi as soon as possible.

The trophy wife and I have been traveling a lot lately, and I suggested that we plan a trip to Memphis, as I've never been to a Memphis Redbirds game, and would love to go some time.

That led me to another realization, which is that I've never been to a River City Rascals game, nor a Gateway Grizzles game, and that my fondness for minor league baseball has gone vastly underfed.

As a kid, I used to go to Tulsa Drillers and El Paso Diablos with some frequency, and absolutely loved it. There's something about minor league ball that's so wonderfully relaxing and engaging. I think it's the focus on fundamentals and the chance to get to see players develop. It's also refreshing to see dudes playing the game because they love it, and damn it, they're gonna give it their all for the chance to make it to the Show.

I hereby vow, this summer, to see the Memphis Redbirds, the River City Rascals, the Gateway Grizzlies, and at least one other minor league team this summer!

What about you? You dig the small ball?

-Blaine
Buy my book!

East Coast Sports Teams Suck

As a teenager, before the internet had really taken hold, the cringe-worthy east coast bias that is so prevalent on ESPN and the networks was tolerable. The Cardinals were going through a dark time. We had no football team. No one who can read gives a shit about hockey.

Then, as I aged, the internet became a 'thing,' and eventually became the focal point of the universe. Harnessing the new technologies, news and marketing were able to penetrate our lives with all the subtlety of Fox/CBS ensuring the Patriots have an easy schedule.

Now, it's all Boston and New York sports all the time, absent any really good or substantial teams (except the Giants and Celtics. But fuck Kevin Garnett.) I'd except the Patriots, but they have an asterisk, and everyone knows why. And Tom Brady is a giant douche.

And before anyone with those shitty east coast accents start "flappin' der gums," let me remind you that the Red Sox have started buying baseball cards so they can remember what a starting pitcher looks like, while the Yankees are getting on bended knee for ANDY PETITTE. Come on, guys. We're going to pretend this rivalry counts for anything? What, does the winner get free autographs from the first-place Baltimore Orioles?

And the Knicks. My god, how long has this been dragging out? Yes, they made the playoffs, just in time to provide some humor for the other teams. Prior to this year? How bad the Knicks are has been a news story this entire century.

And the Bruins and whatever hockey team plays in New York ... oh yeah, who cares?

There are days, there are, in which I'll lie back, stare up at the stars, and long for the future. It's a future in which every other news story on ESPN isn't about an overrated New York or Boston team. It's a future in which my children, and their children can run free, unshackled from yet another Patriots spooge-fest, or another pathetic fluffing of the Jets, or even another Christ-like weepy sermon on how great it is that the Red Sox were allowed to be so bad for so long, and thank god for steroids, er, I mean, uh, Manny being Manny. I guess the whole team was being Manny in 2004? Whatever.

And when the Red Sox go head-to-head with the Yankees? Pffft. It's American League baseball, guys. It's like baseball, but without all the interesting strategy.

Not to mention that the best rivalries in baseball are really only rivalries for a few years. See the Cardinals and Astros at the turn of the century, which culminated in the 2004 NLCS, the best playoff series any human has ever seen (except maybe the 2011 World Series.)

Hell, even the Yankees and Rays have had a bit of a rivalry at times.

But, no. It's Boston and New York, so Fox and ESPN make sure the entire country is flooded with a raging surge of boring and mediocre baseball.

Not to mention that these two teams take four hours to play their games. Guys, the pitcher doesn't bat! What's happening in these games to slow them down so much? Do they parade the bloody sock around Fenway between each inning? Do they set Bill Buckner on fire and let fans chase him? Are they pausing so the Steinbrenners can take a moment to see how much it'll take to purchase another aging bat instead of a legitimate starting pitcher?

Ah, but I shouldn't speak. I should know my place. I should thank Fox every time they're forced to allow my Cardinals into the playoffs, and I shouldn't protest when we're saddled with a 1030PM game start time in the LDS. I should be thankful that networks aren't allowed to script the scoring (2002 Super Bowl aside). Yet.

Blaine
Buy my book!

On Hockey and Fighting

I don't watch NHL hockey. I don't follow it in the paper or on ESPN. The little bit I know about it is from the snippets I hear before I fast-forward through the hockey bits on Around the Horn (still the best sports show on TV, by the way.) I'm aware that Sidney Crosby is the Greg Oden of the NHL. I know that his rival plays in Washington. I'm aware that Canadians and Soviets love the sport.

My lack of love for hockey is not due to lack of trying. I've tried, every year, to watch at least one Blues game. It hasn't gone well. It's like trying to watch pillows on skates play ping-pong. Pain slowly gives way to boredom.

With baseball, football, and basketball, I can get pumped quickly. I'm able to watch the game, discern that there is in fact, strategy, and then start helping whatever team for which I'm cheering win by shouting at them.

NHL-style hockey sucks, but I know how to fix it.

Ever seen Olympic hockey? It's great. The rinks are wider, the game is slower, and fighting isn't allowed.

In the NHL, the game is annoyingly artificial. I mean, come on folks, it's one shirtless guy away from being ice wrestling.

The rinks are narrowed to speed up the game, and fighting is actively encouraged, so long as you don't give a guy a concussion, and adhere to the strict rules that govern hits and punching (and having rules there should tell you everything need to know about the absurdity of the practice.)

It's silly, really. It's like the NHL decided that being a sports league wasn't enough, and they hammered out this whole extra ruleset for something that doesn't actively impact the outcome of the game. Yes, I get that penalties can cause a power play and blah blah blah, but it's stupid. No other sport thinks it has to rely on a violent, pandering side show that doesn't impact the score in order to draw in viewers.

It brings a stoppage in play, and it's boring. It's like getting a call from work while mid-coitus.

Why don't they just air a half-hour of VH1 reality shows after each period?

And, like I said, the fighting is pointless. It's like in hit TV shows, when the lead actor is strapped to a bomb, you know that he/she isn't in any actual jeopardy. It's a waste of time, and you wish that they'd stop treating you like an idiot, and move on.

The narrow rinks bug me, too, because it artificially speeds up the game, and cuts down on strategy. In Olympic hockey, I can actually see strategy unfold, I can bear witness to an elegant and well-thought-out plan of attack, instead of a frenzied Molson-fueled clusterfuck.

Say this to an ardent NHL fan, and they'll look at you like just took a leak on Wayne Gretzky's grave (or the grave of an NHL star who's actually dead that I've never heard of.) They're offended. Incensed, even. You don't understand. You're not really a hockey fan. Something, something, something, Mario Lemieux, something, something, something, Gary Bettman is an asshole, something, something, something, the ratings aren't that bad.

Fixing the NHL is actually pretty easy. Based on watching the Olympic action, all one would have to do is remove the stuff that sucks and shouldn't have been there in the first place. It's that easy. Olympic hockey is interesting and stimulates the thoughtful, intellectual parts of the brain. NHL hockey does not. It contains the worst parts of NASCAR and WWE (though it is comforting to imagine that Canada has their own version of teabagger Palin-loving hicks.)

And if they're not going to fix it, I say they become more like the XFL. Throw self-respect and sportsmanship completely out the window, mic up the players, have Fox script out some storylines, and bring every mouth-breather into the fold. Have Sidney Crosby talk shit before the game to whatever team.

"You disrespected us in the Canadian paper, eh. I'm gonna get a hat trick while banging your mother, eh."

Even I might check that out. Once.

What I'm saying, NHL fans, is that you've got a good game, once you clean all the shit off it. Don't be afraid to embrace the sport for what it is. It doesn't need all the artificiality and fake drama.

Hell, once all that crap's gone, I'll promise to keep a straight face when you talk about the 130,000-team orgy that the NHL calls 'playoffs.'

What do you think of NHL hockey vs international hockey? Which do you prefer? Do you watch hockey? Why or why not?

Thanks for reading, check me out here again next Monday, and check out my other blogs, too!

-Blaine
Buy my book!

The Pujols Power Outage

soundtrack - the end of this weekend's PGA action and the end of Heat vs Knicks

First of all, welcome to my sports blog. I'm going to try and get something out here each Monday, and maybe some quickies here and there on other days.

I imagine that this will be midwest-centric, but I'll talk about some national stories, too. I'll also talk a bit about youth coaching, which is something I've recently begun doing.

The language here will hover between PG-13 and R. If you've read anything of mine from the last couple years, you'll know what to expect.

Additionally, if you have 'requests,' feel free to send them my way, but no promises.

Lastly, if you want to contribute, let me know, and we'll talk.

Oh, and Rickie Fowler needs to fire his image consultant. The guy's not a bad golfer, but looks like an ass-clown with the orange space suit + the crustache.

So, about that Pujols thing ...
Albert Pujols, as of Sunday evening, has hit his first home run of the season. As has been discussed by many other writers, his numbers are way down, and Bernie Miklasz wrote a very smart piece that breaks down the numbers, and what they may or may not indicate.

So, Albert has hit a home run, and as that ball dropped into the Angels' bullpen, I'm hoping the national crisis was reduced a defcon level.

Sure, I'm disappointed that Albert finally hit a home run, as I was hoping that he'd never find joy in life ever again, but I've stayed mostly quiet on the topic. I was content to sit back and see what the average St. Louisan reaction was, and use that to gauge just how insane I am with bitterness toward him.

I was also quiet on the topic because I didn't have a sports blog until now.

I was interested to see that most St. Louisans were amused by the power outage, and little more beyond that. I forget, at times, that this really is a classy baseball town, even if that wasn't enough to make Albert forget about that $3 million dollar difference between the Cardinals offer and the Angels offer (as a point of reference, that was roughly $253m vs $250m. Just sayin'.)

The 2012 Cardinals
I like the Cardinals more without Pujols. I didn't think I would. I was, stupidly, worried about their team identity. Albert had become the Cardinals' national identity. They don't play in New York or Boston, so Fox and ESPN do everything they can to ignore them, and without Albert ... we were going to go back to the dark days of the 90s (dark for the Cardinals; still the best decade in rock n roll.)

I had bought into the bullshit.

While I was at Spring Training this year, something dawned on me. This is a team now. Instead of being the Albert Pujols Band, they were now, again, the St. Louis Cardinals. This is now, again, a team of men..

I like them more. There's no one focal point. They're a team. They're not sexy. They're not marketable. They're my 2012 St. Louis Cardinals, and they don't feel entitled. None of them are telling us how 'spoiled' we are, and grumbling about 'not giving (us) a hometown discount' or some other idiocy.

I like these guys. I really do. They're all human.

10 Years of Albert
So, where does this leave Albert?

Well, he's been trending down the last three years, and he wanted 10 years on his contract. Remember, baseball contracts are guaranteed, so Arte Moreno is on the hook no matter what. Meanwhile, the Cardinals were able to resign Yadi, invest in Beltran, and invest in the young, rising stars on this team.

If I were a betting man, I'd wager that Albert will, this year, hit below .299, with under 37 home runs, and who knows on RBI (since that stat depends on other players, as well.) I would bet that Albert will keep trending down over the next 10 years. So, Arte might pay out $25m this year for .298 + 36 home runs and almost 100 RBI. Not bad. Next year, it'll be the same for .297 + 35 HR and almost 100 RBI. Then, the closer it gets to the end of the contract, the more precipitous the drop will be each year.

The Final Word
I don't see $250m of value in that, but that's what weaselly shit-faced agents are for. I bought blindly into the fact that there was a need to resign Pujols, and I was wrong.

The first month of the season is too small a sample size to say anything with certainty, but the last three years are another story.That is a large sample size, and makes me okay with not having Albert around for $250m over 10 years while he's 32-41 years of age. The Cardinals are a better team without the albatross.

I also hope that was the only home run he hits this year. Fucker.

-Blaine
Buy my book!