On Hockey and Fighting

I don't watch NHL hockey. I don't follow it in the paper or on ESPN. The little bit I know about it is from the snippets I hear before I fast-forward through the hockey bits on Around the Horn (still the best sports show on TV, by the way.) I'm aware that Sidney Crosby is the Greg Oden of the NHL. I know that his rival plays in Washington. I'm aware that Canadians and Soviets love the sport.

My lack of love for hockey is not due to lack of trying. I've tried, every year, to watch at least one Blues game. It hasn't gone well. It's like trying to watch pillows on skates play ping-pong. Pain slowly gives way to boredom.

With baseball, football, and basketball, I can get pumped quickly. I'm able to watch the game, discern that there is in fact, strategy, and then start helping whatever team for which I'm cheering win by shouting at them.

NHL-style hockey sucks, but I know how to fix it.

Ever seen Olympic hockey? It's great. The rinks are wider, the game is slower, and fighting isn't allowed.

In the NHL, the game is annoyingly artificial. I mean, come on folks, it's one shirtless guy away from being ice wrestling.

The rinks are narrowed to speed up the game, and fighting is actively encouraged, so long as you don't give a guy a concussion, and adhere to the strict rules that govern hits and punching (and having rules there should tell you everything need to know about the absurdity of the practice.)

It's silly, really. It's like the NHL decided that being a sports league wasn't enough, and they hammered out this whole extra ruleset for something that doesn't actively impact the outcome of the game. Yes, I get that penalties can cause a power play and blah blah blah, but it's stupid. No other sport thinks it has to rely on a violent, pandering side show that doesn't impact the score in order to draw in viewers.

It brings a stoppage in play, and it's boring. It's like getting a call from work while mid-coitus.

Why don't they just air a half-hour of VH1 reality shows after each period?

And, like I said, the fighting is pointless. It's like in hit TV shows, when the lead actor is strapped to a bomb, you know that he/she isn't in any actual jeopardy. It's a waste of time, and you wish that they'd stop treating you like an idiot, and move on.

The narrow rinks bug me, too, because it artificially speeds up the game, and cuts down on strategy. In Olympic hockey, I can actually see strategy unfold, I can bear witness to an elegant and well-thought-out plan of attack, instead of a frenzied Molson-fueled clusterfuck.

Say this to an ardent NHL fan, and they'll look at you like just took a leak on Wayne Gretzky's grave (or the grave of an NHL star who's actually dead that I've never heard of.) They're offended. Incensed, even. You don't understand. You're not really a hockey fan. Something, something, something, Mario Lemieux, something, something, something, Gary Bettman is an asshole, something, something, something, the ratings aren't that bad.

Fixing the NHL is actually pretty easy. Based on watching the Olympic action, all one would have to do is remove the stuff that sucks and shouldn't have been there in the first place. It's that easy. Olympic hockey is interesting and stimulates the thoughtful, intellectual parts of the brain. NHL hockey does not. It contains the worst parts of NASCAR and WWE (though it is comforting to imagine that Canada has their own version of teabagger Palin-loving hicks.)

And if they're not going to fix it, I say they become more like the XFL. Throw self-respect and sportsmanship completely out the window, mic up the players, have Fox script out some storylines, and bring every mouth-breather into the fold. Have Sidney Crosby talk shit before the game to whatever team.

"You disrespected us in the Canadian paper, eh. I'm gonna get a hat trick while banging your mother, eh."

Even I might check that out. Once.

What I'm saying, NHL fans, is that you've got a good game, once you clean all the shit off it. Don't be afraid to embrace the sport for what it is. It doesn't need all the artificiality and fake drama.

Hell, once all that crap's gone, I'll promise to keep a straight face when you talk about the 130,000-team orgy that the NHL calls 'playoffs.'

What do you think of NHL hockey vs international hockey? Which do you prefer? Do you watch hockey? Why or why not?

Thanks for reading, check me out here again next Monday, and check out my other blogs, too!

-Blaine
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